Gifts… They’re awesome to get. At least that’s what most people like to think. Personally, I can’t stand getting them. I always feel like I’m taking advantage of people when they offer me things and I accept. For example, right now I’m drinking a Pepsi that someone just gave me along with hot dogs and a brownie. I ate it, out of respect for their hospitality, even though I’m the one that’s supposed to be hospitable.
When these situations rise up, I (much like everyone else) am faced with a very difficult decision. Do I give in? Do I politely turn them down and remain reserved and respectful? If I choose the former, I feel like I’ve turned myself into a veritable and colloquial pig. I feel like the simple sinless act of saying “yes” makes me into a glutton for that tasty, moist brownie. A sickening image, akin to the music video of Mr. Krinkle (look it up if you dare), of me floats through my head and almost out of my mouth as I tongue around and try and choose the right answer.
What if I say no? They’ll be offended. I can’t offend them; I’m their go-to guy. And dear God, that plant keeps staring at me, and I’m convinced it’s actually a human. I mean, they went through all this trouble to bring me a brownie from their little starting point in this maze. I hate trying to navigate these halls, and I know them. I can only imagine how caged they feel. But even through their frustration of these silly corridors, they went through the arduous task.
My inner self is in total civil war, on a Roman scale. The fears of cold sweats and the cardinal sin of uttering the word “um” permeate through my subconscious into my present state of mind. I turn myself inside out in conflict. I can only describe this unique problem through some slight satire and soliloquy.
To take or not to take, that is the question.
Whether ‘tis nobler in the mind to suffer the hunger
And pains of outrageous hunger,
Or to take treats from total strangers
And by eating end them. To forgo- to cease-
All the more; and by a nix to say we end
The coaxing, and the thousand seductions
That this stomach is heir to. ‘Tis a continence
Devoutly to be wish’d. To gorge- to nosh-
To sup perchance to be glutted: ay, there’s the grub!
For in that taste of food what dreams may come
When we have gobbled up this mortal banquet,
Must give us warmth: But what of restraint?
That makes venerated the so long shift,
For who would bear the flesh and flubs of increase,
The allurer’s wrong, the proud man’s silhouette,
The pangs of desired food, the self’s hindrance,
The avarice of hunger and want
That merits patience in the heroic wait,
When he himself might finally, finally his quietus make
With a sweet, sweet cake? Who would this burden bear
To gnarl and flounder amidst an insatiate maw,
But that the ardor for some sweet hokum,
The undiscover’d savor from some fodder
No porker can escape, puzzles the will
And makes us rather bear those ills we have
Than fly to giving in to coaxing?
Thus voracity doth make cream puffs of us all;
And thus the native hue of desperation
Is steeled o’er with the vivid tinge of ache,
And stock of great tactile assurance.
With this regard, my currents turn awry,
And lose the name of willpower. Alas! My life!
Those fair comestibles! Goddess in thy communion,
Be my paunch placated!
So, as you can see, I caved and took the delicious offerings that were presented me. All this is to say: be thankful for gifts, no matter how awkward you feel getting them. They’re a sign of thanks and good will for your hard work. In the end, I find it more awkward to refuse a gift than to accept one. Like I said earlier, I’ve found that it’s disrespectful to turn down someone’s hospitality. Toodles!
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